Cinco de Mayo y El Pollo de
Jerko
5 May 1996
At the end of this newsletter is the nearly-full story of my
vacation in Jamaica, which happened just after the last newsletter you
received. Since it's been three weeks and my memory is a little cloudy
from getting hit in the head with a basketball, I may be making a lot of stuff
up - this time I'm not sure. It will also take an hour to read. If
you're interested in the full story, send a $5 check or money order to
"You just lost $5" c/o BJR at my address.
My apartment is clean except for the bathroom, and the
kitchen. Of course my room doesn't count either. And, my living
room really wouldn't be comfortable if there weren't a few things scattered
around. But I am house-hunting, with a couple people from work, who have
no idea what they're getting into living with me. I think I'll have to
cut down on watching sportscenter naked.
Once again, I have received second-hand reports and actual
forwarded emails that contain rumors about my life. I would like to
dispell several of these: 1) I am not pregnant. 2) No, _everyone_ loves
BJR. and 3) I did not give up Catholicism for lent - I'm not
Catholic. Note that those of you responsible for these rumors are
violating the trademark on both my name and my existence. Any further
abuse will result in some sort of retribution involving sharp glass and rice
pudding.
So that's about it. Feel free to take a break, get a
drink of water, and then read the Jamaican part of this newsletter/fanzine
later.
BJR
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"JAMAICA ME CRAZY "
-or-
"I THINK KATHY'S GETTING TIRED OF MY JAMAICAN
ACCENT, MON"
I spent most of my five days in Jamaica in Kingston, where
John's "sister" Kathy lives. Kathy lives in a neighborhood with
lots of loose dogs who love to chase "whitey" down the
street. But first, let's meet Kathy's roommates, mon.
Kathy's Roommates:
Juanita:
This woman is
crazy, mon. She's cool, and cracks me up, but she's crazy. Of
course this may be tainted by the fact that after she found out I had a tattoo
she said, "Wow, you're not a geek like I thought." This means 1)
Kathy has been talking trash about me all over the island, mon. Or 2) Juanita
was overcome by my shocking good looks and in her confusion she said
that instead of "You're even more perfect that I
thought."
Katie:
In Alaska we
would say that Katie has "gone native." This means she's lost
touch with her home and has become a local. All kinds of Jamaican guys
call at all hours of the day and night for Katie. Katie is also crazy,
but she told me a funny story that included the word "brassiere".
Joe:
Joe has this
great smile that says, "I'm a little drugged up right now," or
"I'm a serial killer." But actually he's a great guy who's
being pursued by a crazy jamaican woman. Keep running, Joe. Feel
the rhythm, feel the rhyme, come on Joe, it's stalking time! (those who
have never seen "Cool Runnings", go ahead and laugh here.)
Skip:
Skip is an all
around great guy, with a solid tan. He filled me in on all the "dumb
whitey rules" - basically the fact that as long as you're white and look
like a tourist, you can do anything you want on the island because everyone
just looks at you and says, "There goes dumb whitey again." He
answered all my annoying questions like "Do you ever get tired of living with
crazy people?" This guy is crazy, because he lives with Juanita, Kathy,
Katie, and Joe.
Dave and Ed:
I actually never
met these guys and I'm not sure that t hese are even their names. But I'm
sure they're crazy.
(Author's note - did I get Joe's name wrong? If I did,
sorry "Joe".)
I learned that
white people are not the majority everywhere in the world. I have heard
this is true of other countries, too. My first morning in Jamaica I went
running, and people didn't stare. Instead they yelled, "Hey whitey,
those legs too long for runnin'" and lots of other friendly greetings.
And, a small gang of thugs enjoyed my attempt to exercise in 100 degree, 100
percent humidity weather. It is also tradition in Jamaica to greet white
people by asking for money.
We spent a full
24 hours driving to Blue Mountain, hiking up Blue Mountain, and then coming
back down. We started climbing at 1:30 AM since hiking during daylight is
stupid, and "even whitey not that stupid." I was separated from
John and Kathy for most of the hike, and was doing fine until the trail cut
back into a dark canopy - I had left my flashlight back in the
car. But that wasn't so bad until I decided to plant my foot
on solid air off the side of the trail, and I fell off the side of the
mountain, which in a word, hurt like crazy.
At the top, just as the sun rose, four jamaican's emerged and starting singing spirituals and jogging
around in a circle over by a tee pee structure (without any cloth
covering). I could swear they were singing "he'll be falling down
the mountain when he climbs", but I could be wrong. Anyway, the sunrise
was awesome.
This paragraph is
one of the hardest paragraphs I will ever have to write, because there are just
too many jokes you can make about this to fit in this newsletter. I
actually only got jerk twice, but both times were great. Kathy was pretty
pissed off that John and I had fallen to the ground and couldn't stop laughing
in the grocery store because the jerk spice label had "The history of
Jerking" on it. To make things worse, the first time I ever paid for
jerk, there was a sign saying "Something-Something Jerk Center. We
hope you enjoyed coming." But, if you haven't experienced this yourself,
Jamaican's are the best. If you counted the number of jokes in this
paragraph and got less than 400, you need to read it again. They're not
all strong, but they're there.
FOOTBALL (Soccer to whitey), MOVIES, AND DAY-To-DAY LIFE
IN JAMAICA
Jamaicans love to
yell. They will yell at anything. Not an angry yell, and note
always that loud, but they love letting everyone else know what they're
thinking. I fit in pretty well in Jamaica. At the soccer game, the guy
next to us kept yelling, "Kick it mon! Kick it, DREAD-mon!" the
whole game, regardless of where the ball was or of the fact that it was halftime.
The guy in front of us in the movie theater (yes, we saw "Executive Decision" in Kingston) at one point yelled "You stinking fat pig!" at one of the characters in the movie. Once again, for those of who you have ever sat next to me in a movie, I fit in pretty well in Jamaica. They also love to yell "whitey" anytime they get the chance - although one girl, who had been taught better, yelled, "Hey, caucasian!" Aren't kids cute? (Except of course when they follow up cuteness by asking for money.)
The rest of my time in Jamaica I 1) said, "Hey,
mon" quite a bit, 2) constantly sweated, and 3) entertained all the locals
by looking so out of place. A big thanks to Kathy for putting up with her
"brother" and me for all that time.
BJR