Yo Quiero BJR
The last BJR newsletter was met with incredible fanfare from
newsletter
critics across the country:
"Entirely devoid of humor."
-Gerson
Goldberg, HP Engineer
"I liked the part about the tour de parking lot."
-Jason
Frank, sarcastic but earnest guy.
"Please take me off your stupid newsletter list. I mean it this
time. And
quit calling my mother."
-Anonymous
So, I've decided to return to the previous "much lower content and
higher
fluff" format of the previous year. So, you can assume everything
from
here on out is a lie, or that it happened to someone else.
For those of you new to the BJR newsletter, you've finally reached
that
point in life where you've been honored as one of the select 200 people
who
receive this newsletter. It's also likely that I need something from
you
and this is any easy way of making you feel like I actually care about
you
and your problems.
Also, I'd like to welcome many of my former co-workers at Trilogy to
the
BJR newsletter. Now that I'm no longer talking about you behind
your
backs, you are welcome to enjoy.
The highlight of the last two months has definitely been the
California
Department of Motor Vehicles, who made me pay four separate fees all
with
the word "environment" or "sucker" in the title, including one which
was
proportional to my body weight and the number of band members in Hall
&
Oates. In addition, the "one time narrow minded, gun owning,
non-Californian, we don't want you here, HINT HINT" fee was doubled since
I
was coming from Texas.
drinking from a fire hose, except without all the water and the need
for
corrective dental surgery. My co-founders have quickly adjusted to
working
with someone who makes organizational decisions based on blood sugar
level.
"Fax machine? Useless. Why not save that money and buy a
gross of
SweetTarts? Sure, I'll give up my equity for the last three gummy
bears."
Many people have asked when they will be able to purchase a
Reactivity
T-shirt. Bor-ing. Instead, we'd like to announce our new line
of
Reactivity apparel, starting with the Reactivity thong, Reactivity
shawl,
and Reactivity overalls. Look for future co-marketing with J.
Crew,
Popular Mechanics, and Seventeen magazine. All items are unisex,
and
should not be allowed to come into direct contact with your skin or
dolphins.
In sports news, my fourth day of snow skiing involved both skiing and
snow,
and only one major groin muscle operation. Most people consider me
an
Extreme skier since I sing "More than Words" every time I get on the
ski
lift with a stranger. Wow. That joke was horrible. I'm
beginning to
agree with Gerson.
El nino - pronounced "El nino" - seems to be letting up. The
literal
translation of "El nino" is "News is slow this year so let's make the
weather scary." The next weather front coming in is apparently named
"su
madre," which will cause an outbreak of repetitive masculine humor.
Can't
wait. Neither can "su madre" for that matter.
For now, I will say goodbye. Please don't hesitate to tell a friend
about
the newsletter. However, I have heard that some illegal copying of
the
newsletter has been taking place. I'd like to announce a grace
period
where people who have illegally obtained the newsletter can report
themselves in the next 30 days without penalty. After that, the
cable
company will starting charging you separately for ESPN2 and the BJR
Psychic
Hotline ("who cares about your future, listen to mine").
BJR