Computer for browsing the web:
$1000
Monthly fee for dial-up: $20
Cheese grader for new hairdo:
$3.50
The BJR Newsletter: Priceless
Spam filter to delete mass email: Not
worth it
Having to read a joke that everyone in the world has used over a
billion times by now: Painful
Pent up demand
After much
complaint and duress from the fans of BJR about the lack of a newsletter in the
past few months, let me remind the ungrateful masses out there that the
newsletter has not always been quarterly. In 2000, which the analysts
called "the great BJR newsletter draught", which BJR refers to as "the year of
the big mistake", we only published two newsletters. And in our first year
(1995), we only published a single installment. So be happy with what you
get. Because from us, it's always better late than sooner.
The
New Coffee Table
Nothing brings a family together like a new coffee
table, except maybe quarantine. We've added a brand new coffee table, made
from the finest wood-like material, and coated with a thin sheen of chemicals to
prevent any feathers placed on the surface from scarring the particle board
exterior. In honor of our new table, Dan and BJR threw a raging, 250
person party, complete with four live bands and a troupe of contortionist panda
bears. Oh, and this guy named Scott Griffin is now living with us.
We may throw a party in his honor at some point, but so far the coasters keep
slipping off him.
(The Company)ants
(The Company) continues to grow
like the mold on my shower curtain - in ways that can only be described using a
guttural language with clicks and grunts (such as German). We've also
hired a new CEO, who has quickly picked up on the fact that the less BJR knows
about our company, the better. Recently, the company sent BJR to Las
Vegas to stare at all the blinking lights and stay out of their way. Once
they reveal what we actually do, you'll be the first to know. Until then,
please keep everything revealed here confidential.
Ritual
stabbing
In order to combat the allergic reaction invoked by cedar
spores, pollen, dust mites, and rhubarb, BJR has submitted himself to endure
countless (okay, 35) shots to the arm containing exactly what ails him. As
Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill me can only cause me inordinate
amounts of pain, suffering, misery, large medical bills, time, energy, and
happiness." But, once the started shots finish, then only two years of
repeated jabbing and punctures will render BJR immune to the awesome forces of
flowers and tiny invisible things.
Brain, sprain,
pain.
Ever sprained an ankle? BJR just did. As BJR has
said many a time before "I'm not pleasant to be around when I'm sick, injured,
ill, or healthy." This ankle injury took BJR out of three anticipated bike
rides, including the annual MS150. BJR had raised a good deal of money and
then came up lame just two weeks before the event, causing a good deal of
suspicion amongst the suspicious. But, he should be back on his feet
(both) again soon, just in time for everyone to continue waiting on him hand and
foot.
Exotic destinations and arrivals
Mom came to visit
BJR in March, and so BJR will repay the favor next weekend and join her in
Florida for a weekend of fun. In the meantime, BJR suffered through the
Pac-10 hoops tournament, conned Susan out to the Bay Area for a weekend of
Stanford-UT baseball, and enjoyed a fantastic visit to the Kansas City Royals
Stadium - for which BJR is now the proud owner of the first ever Royals
bobble-head doll (Carlos Beltran, if you must know).
Publish and
perish
In order to help the struggling economy struggle more
effectively, BJR is introducing a new series of business best-sellers designed
to help even the healthiest company file chapter 11. With selections like
"Built to Implode", "The Innovators Enema," "Falling Right Smack into the Chasm
and Being Ripped into Little Pieces by the Tornado," and "I moved your
stupid cheese!" you're sure to shimmy down the corporate ladder in no
time.
Summer salutations
Finally, we'd like to close in
traditional BJR fashion, by not writing anything else.
BJR
FDA Warning: Talk to your doctor about
the BJR newsletter to see if it is right for you. Pregnant women should
not touch broken pieces of the BJR newsletter. Sideaffects (similar to a
sugar pill) include nausea, vomiting, malaria, ebola, the hokey pokey, tierra
del fuego, and a tendency to stare longingly at oneself in the
mirror.