BJR Newsletter
Weapons of Mass BJR
November 30, 2003
Several
newsletters in the past have centered around travel related themes, both
highlighting the adventures of BJR in various locations plus passing on key
travel tips and ways to avoid imprisonment and the ensuing intimate
relations. While life has been dominated by travel, and BJR hasn't
been paying any attention to current events, a tribute to federal, state, and
local government won out over Beanie Babies and Paris Hilton as the topique du
Fall. Actually, BJR knows nothing about government so this newsletter
theme will be about corporations.
Mergers and
Acquisitions
Much like the low pressure fronts of last year (which
created blizzards in the North East, then resulting in record numbers of new
born babies this year), the post-30 pressures of the social climate have
initiated a set of financial asset combinations and nuptials, accelerated by the
struggling public liquidity markets and crackdowns on gigiloism. BJR was
honored to attend the weddings of two great friends, one Kiyon Chung, a
up-and-coming Seattle based Cardiologist, and another Joe Fulwiler, a
multi-talented enterpreneur who has held a wider variety of positions in
technology companies than BJR (but watch your back). Each wedding had different
set of guests, music, food, and different people were married as well. A
positive trend that should encourage us all to buy more young
people.
Domestic re-branding initiative
BJR's lobbyist is
preparing a slew of documents and legal motions to have the formal address of
his residence changed from "Garage" to "Cottage". The basis for this agreement
revolves around the preservation of BJR's reputation, the de-regulation of the
utility industry, and the lack of cars inside his abode. These documents
will be submitted to the landlord along with a free offer for an ice cream
sandwich.
Trimming the fat
Each enterprise must face
difficult decisions to reduce spending to maximize shareholder return. In
an effort to fleece the middle class of more investment dollars, BJR had a layer
of his cornea removed (in a procedure similar to LASIK called Intralase) and
then a few days following, his appendix. Despite 20/20 vision, BJR still
owns a pair of glasses that he uses to look "more New York," "more technical,"
or "a fan of complex math." The appendectomy was unplanned, and actually
resulted in excessive, massive water retention. Despite numerous demands
from fans of BJR, no pictures of "Fat BJR" were taken or are available.
Stop sending money orders. BJR's lack of appendix in no way makes him less
of a man.
Something witty here about Sports and
Business
Despite the tragedy of the Cubs and Red Sox, in the end the
Yankees lost so it was a wonderful baseball season. In the worlds most
popular and highest attended sport (that being elementary age soccer in the
Stafford county area of Virginia) both of my nephews
dominated their
respective leagues, resulting in domination of their respective
leagues, In addition to this excitement, BJR now has two new nieces,
both of whom are cats. The cat-nieces appear to be much smaller and
furrier than my nephews, and seem somewhat orange in color.
Strategic misdirection
It's critical for every
organization to have a clear road map of what the future holds. Right now BJR is
working on trying to see what's 5 to 10 seconds ahead. In recent days BJR
caused an Amtrak train to come to a dead stop to kick him off, almost "placed"
his rental car though a cement wall in Baltimore, survived a ferry ride to New
Jersey in 50 mph winds, and survived a two hour flight sitting next to an
unattended six year old boy without decapitating him.
Regional
focus
Walt Whitman never said "Home is where the BJR is," and neither
did a lot of other smart people. Austin, San Francisco, Berkeley, Los
Angeles Sunnyvale, Manhattan, Ft. Walton Beach, New Jersey, Woburn, Baltimore,
D.C, and Northern Virginia have all been home to BJR recently, helping him hone
his urban skills seminar series, which will now include sessions
like:
"Determining
if hotel shampoo burns your
eyes"
"Buying
an alarm clock on the streets of NYC at 1 AM"
"Surfing in
LA doesn't have to hurt unless you have no idea what you're
doing"
"Driving
in Boston: The sign language of love"
Flex-time and food based
incentives
After the analysis of an exhaustive market survey entitled
"Who is most likely to feed BJR and give him presents", BJR decided to
spend the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays with family. Suggested
Christmas presents include cash, checks, or money
orders.
BJR
BJR and 'You're gonna die for this" are both illegally registered
trademarks of BJR. All rights reserved. Duplication of content
illegal in all states that don't observe daylight sayings time or who end in
"labama". Direct complaints or inquiries to the person sitting next
to you.