BJR Newsletter
Three Kidneys Are A Crowd
March 28, 2005
BJR Newsletter
December 28, 2005

The Lion, The Witch, and BJR's Wardrobe

Last Year's Resolutions
Given the frustration with the typical success rate of BJR's New Year's Resolutions (last year's "I will only eat foods that start with G", "High five every Jehovah's witness you meet," or the famous 1995 "No making fun of people with beards"), BJR has decided to create "Old Year's Resolutions," where BJR promises to have performed all the feats claimed in the resolutions. Despite what readers might think, these resolutions are still a trial of willpower and require heavy doses of minerals like calcium and Formica.

BJR resolves to visit a completely foreign and strange, barbaric land

BJR spent a weekend in September in Toronto. Toronto is a remote city, deep in the province of Ontario , Canada, thousands of miles from American cities like Miami or Los Angeles. BJR viewed the world premiere of "Shooting Dogs" (a hotel Rwanda "Rwanda-be") at the Toronto Film Festival, which featured both color and sound, but no laugh track. Once again, BJR can confirm that people from Canada do have their own money, and very few Canadians ride horses or save damsels from railroad tracks. Though all Canadians are missing teeth and everyone plays hockey an average of 6 Canadian-Hours a day.

BJR resolves to enjoy sports more when certain teams lose

While the Yankees did not make an appearance in either the ALCS or the World Series, the Astros were able to serve as worthy opponent for BJR. Despite knocking off two of BJR's favorite teams en route, the Astros fell to the Black Sox. BJR lost his annual bet with Bill Heller, who made a pact with the father of lies (Bud Selig) in order to win. For those readers curious about the advancement of BJR's tennis skills, Lisa claims that BJR is making incredible progress, but BJR will believe it once he takes a single game from her.

BJR resolves to put minimal effort into costumes

Just fifteen minutes before departure for the only Halloween party BJR agreed to attend, BJR went from zero to disturbing in ten minutes. A quick trip to Not-Just-Mediocre-but-Goodwill resulted in a fully outfitted Chief Clinician for the Advanced Department of Proctology. Given that Jerry Fallwell or Pat Robertson may be reading this newsletter, BJR will not go into details around his costume or use words with too many syllables.

BJR resolves to have the coolest nephews on the planet

Thanksgiving weekend was filled with every outdoor and indoor sport legal in the Northern Hemisphere. BJR was continually crushed in Need for Speed Underground 2, but managed to hold his own on the ice rink. BJR is proudly jealous of his nephews' musical talents as well as their mad skills on skateboards, rollerblades and scooters. BJR is also crazy about his niece, Bekah. BJR became choked up saying goodbye to Bekah at Christmas, as she is a gorgeous and spectacular little miracle.

BJR resolves to spend lots of time working

For those people who have not heard from BJR personally in nine months, he has been pulled into the professional vortex. To avoid more incidents where comments about his company were used by recruited candidates, BJR will refer to his company as "Mensaje Unico!" That program can also been seen between "Siempre El Miercoles!" and "Computadores Gigantes!" on Univision. BJR apologies for his complete disappearance from the Elitist Group Therapy Practice and the Downtown Austin Free Rump Massage Clinic. This also serves as an excuse for the complete lack of holiday cards, birthday gifts, holiday gifts. In 2006, BJR will focus on BJR.

BJR resolves to reunite his organ with it's biological owner

BJR traveled back to the high Sierra Mountains of Northern California in September over Labor Day weekend to hang out with the other kidney, still in residence in his cousin Diane. A weekend of hiking, swimming, four wheeling, front loader driving (BJR moved rocks. Big Rocks), and time with family left BJR speechless. After an emotional goodbye, the organs went their separate ways.

BJR resolves to visit and be visited

BJR enjoyed visiting Bandera, Texas ("The Cowboy Souvenir Capital of the World") during hunting season, hiking around Lost Maples, going to USTA sectionals in Dallas, USTA nationals in Palm Springs (BJR was undefeated in both tournaments). A handful of members of the Heller family made a couple of visits to Austin, Vic dropped in for the a weekend of mayhem, and Lynn Kuo made an amazing nighttime trek to Austin for a whirlwind tour of downtown.

BJR resolves to keep his eyes open while listening to the news

The political landscape of today resembles back shaving – no one really wants to watch or participate, but otherwise no backs will get shaved. Okay, maybe that analogy didn't work, but listening to the news, political speeches, or is enough to make someone run out and remove some hair from someone. In 2008, BJR plans to watch Brewster's Millions and pretend like that's the current election in progress.

Happy 2006

May the warm tides of joy soak the foot of sorrow. May the sandpaper of hope remove the bunions of the past, exfoliate the fungus of loss, and disguise the ugly toenail of bitterness, leaving you and yours with the pedicure of peace and love.

B.J.R.