The Runaway BJR
December 31, 2006
BJR Avoids First Year Without BJR Newsletter
As 2006 progressed, the nation's attention drew closer to the fact that
there had been not a single newsletter from BJR since December 28,
2005. The economic forecasts for 2007 began to dim; The farmers'
almanac debated changing the predicted flax harvest from "sorta decent"
to "like old socks"; Elmo threatened harassment charges against many of
the children whose hands all too often had strayed to his ticklish
And, yet, Hark! (Yes, Hark!) A new BJR newsletter has
arrived! Bring out your oldest bottle of Diet Coke with Lime and
shake it up! Kill the fatted neighbors' cat (but don't eat it,
the cholesterol alone is not worth the savory mesquite flavor)!
Put on that Riverdance DVD you keep hidden under your mattress!
And enjoy the tidings of BJR.
On Thanksgiving, BJR asked Lisa Handzus to spend the rest of her life:
1) laughing at BJR's jokes the second, the third, AND the fourth time.
2) keeping high protein snacks on hand at
all times for when BJR gets low blood sugar and cranky and stupid and
can't finish sentences without going on and on and on and on and
… oh, thanks baby
3) taking care of BJR's dog Bear and
never referring to the nature of Bear's temporal status (i.e. alive vs.
made of concrete)
4) patting BJR's head slowly saying 'no,
no BJR, people really like you' while he cries himself to sleep every
5) preventing BJR from wearing eyeliner to work but allowing dressing up like Strawberry Shortcake
6) editing the BJR newsletter but leaving in the obscene parts. Ratings, after all!
For those of you who have not met Lisa, BJR is madly in love with her, and is excited to share the rest of her life with her.
Oh, and she said yes! P.S> This constitutes a binding
agreement. Do not seek Lisa out and try to dissuade her!
Bad newsletter subscriber! Bad!!!
BJR Are Family
BJR spent the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays in Virginia with Mom
and his sister Donna's family. The full quarter of Unclets was
present for soccer, Dance Dance Revolution, shopping, ice skating, and
movies involving dragons and penguins.
[Yes, remember – you heard this word here first. You have
been searching YOUR ENTIRE LIFE for a word to refer to both your
nephews and your nieces. It is here. It is Unclets.
Offer not valid if you're female. Hint: Antlets]
Journey into the First Dimension
All work and no play can still not make BJR dull, but it irritates the
heck out of him. The grindstone has left BJR with a shiny
nose, a rapidly shrinking, double wicked candle, and missing his
friends. This is now the second blanket apology from BJR in the
last two years – BJR has been scarce, and has been bad about
keeping in touch with all of you who are important to him.
Let this newsletter serve as a small token of his care and concern for
you. Once again, feel free to print this newsletter out and hug
it slowly. Extra credit if you softly sing "Tiny Dancer" during
Not So Baked Alaska
For the first time in 7 years, BJR returned to the land of the Musk
Oxen and the one-ton road kill: Alaska. BJR spent a week with his
brother in Homer, Alaska, asserting his dominance over bottom feeding
fish with one eye on each side. BJR also had the chance to catch
up with a set of high school friends and learn that while you can go
back again, everything is a lot more expensive. Special thanks to
his tour guide through memory lane, Erich, who made sure BJR didn't
move back by showing him high priced houses.
Three Painful Events is a Charm
BJR and Lisa each completed their first triathlon, a sport first
invented by a sadist who finished a grueling swim and said "hey, I'd
like to get on my bike now!" The rest is history. BJR
finished the Dilloman (Sprint) Triathlon near Lake Travis in Austin,
Texas, Lisa completed the "Danskin" Triathlon, which
featured neither Dan nor his skin. To show his solidarity for the
all-women's events, BJR has lately been channel surfing for other
'sports' featuring women in competition, combat, or a 'dance-off.'
Hoop it up White Boy
The second annual "Friends-of-BJR-who-don't-regularly-play-basketball
basketball tournament was held on April 23, 2006. Despite
numerous requests from high school kids in the same park to "run full
court 5-on-5", BJR and crew remained in their highly contested 3-on-3
half (okay, most of a half) court street battle royal.
Driving repeatedly to the hole, BJR spent more time on his back than an
appropriately compared figure from many jokes not to be mentioned in a
mixed company newsletter. In the final game, which was divided
'evenly' along racial lines, BJR put up what would have been the
winning trey, had it not missed the hoop and backboard entirely.
Through the entire month of March, BJR was the victim of
bio-terrorism. Apparently extremist fanatical forces traveled
hundreds and potentially thousands of years back in history and
unleashed a disease upon mankind that only attacks people who who have
suppressed immune systems. Up to 85 percent of adults carry
the virus, and like racism or an IQ under 80, most people live
completely unaware that they carry it. BJR recovered and is still
accepting cash condolences.
A new section in the BJR newsletter, this section will include pointed
comments about no one in particular, but generic enough that anyone
self-centered or paranoid might assume it could refer to
them. If you are already thinking that you have been
referred to in this section, or concerned about being referred to in
this section, then it's already working. And yes, BJR is
talking about you.
Happy New Year
Please read this newsletter responsibly. If you're under the
influence of Rick James, Fox News, crystal meth, liquid meth, or
chocolate meth, please have someone else read this newsletter for
you. Pregnant women or women considering becoming pregnant should
not handle this newsletter. If your reading of this newsletter
persists for more than 4 hours, please enroll at the Little Red
Schoolhouse nearest you and add 'Captain Kangaroo' to your DVR