Dude, You're Getting a BJR
July 4th, 2008
The Big D Acquires Rights to BJR
On Tuesday, April 22, "The Big D", a maker of fine PCs and PC accessories headquartered in Texas, acquired the rights to BJR (as well as the company that employed him). The acquisition was an all-pork transaction, valued somewhere between an acre of bacon and fourteen cords of chops. Neither the CEO of the Big D norBJR could be reached for comment or playful tickling. In BJR Newsletter tradition, the actual names of companies and celebrities are being replaced with instant coffee. If you didn't get the commercial reference in the newsletter title, then the commerical didn't scar you the way it did BJR.
What's cooking in the BJR kitchen?
Many people are asking BJR "What kind of company are you going to start next?" BJR is asking those people "Who made you Mr. Question Asker? What's with all the questions? Why are you touching my pants?! No photos!" (Exit to limo). But be not thwarted by false trails of Honey Nut Cheerios or shouts of "look, it's you only without a head" - the following top secret DOD sponsored projects have been unearthed fromBJR's lab notebook:
1. Purel Flavor ("The Germophobe's Buffet Solution")
A line of savory food sauces based on Purel anti-bacterial hand cleaner. Purel Ranch, Purel Gravy, Purel BBQ, Purel Honey Mustard, and even Purel Soy for the lover of three week-old sushi. Available in fine restaurants where hepatitis is present or the chef is named "Roy". Can still be rubbed on hands, but rather than that nasty alcohol smell -mmmm, gravy.
2. Sky Corrections ("Laser Surgery While You Walk")
Using the technology developed for the Star Wars Missile Defense Program and the plot of the movie "Real Genius", a laser surgery center based in space. Just wear the GPS location-tracking wristwatch provided, and at some point during the next week while you're walking outside, laser equipped satellites will correct whatever facial imperfections or other laser correctable issues you have, or at least give you a "new look" as the service is tuned. Please stand still for at least five minutes if kidney stones are being broken up. The next product line, called "The Space Face Iron", using a conventional payload of tinybotox needles, also launched from space, are still being tested on some very angry monkeys.
Increasing your carbon fiber footprint
The R's pursuit of new pain thresholds continues, as the R's finished their first half marathon in February and the Cap Tex Sprint/Olympic Triathlon in May. After some correspondence with Mrs. Roger Clemens and several visits to the alleyway behindWalgreens, LMR has jumped back on the celebrity tennis circuit, mowing down opponents left and right. She is also bench pressing 575 pounds.
Lurking on the horizon for BJR is not only a horde of horizon lurkers, but the Lone Star Circle of Life Bike Tour in mid-September; a week long, 600 mile ride across Texas to raise awareness about organ, tissue, blood and marrow donation. Surgeons will be present to collect from anyone who decides to make an impulse donation. Expect to be hit up for some kind of large cash donation in the coming weeks, with the usual promises of leg shaving and self humiliation. For actual facts, see: http://circleoflife.sw.org.
Your bags are packed and they are going to cost $45 to check them
Thanks to the new TSA regulations against setting fire to the hair of the person sitting in front of you, the R's travel has decreased in the last year. The R's did spend Thanksgiving in Virginia with the Simmons, and then visitedBJR's Mom in Florida. But the family fought back. LMR's parents spent Christmas in Austin, SER (brother of BJR) visited in March before his annual trek to Alaska, and LMR's Mom even returned in June for the coup-de-Ma.
Mony, mony! Matri-mony!
While first wedding anniversary tradition calls for an exchange of gifts made of paper, the R's decided to base their gifts on their favorite Germans from the late 1800s. The R's spent their first anniversary weekend inFredricksburg, Texas, retracing the paths and activities of the original European settlers: riding their tri-bikes on paved roads, the misfortune of eating powdered scrambled eggs, and the mistake of washing lederhosen on hot. Within a month, the R's experienced the nuptials of "MakNShannon", who have combined their names and become the first couple to be joined not only in holy matrimony, but as Siamese twins. With this suture, I thee wed.
You're going to put that where?
Mrs. R began a new career in biotechnology in the Fall with Apollo Endosurgery (http://www.apolloendo.com/), a super-hip start-up in Aust-in. Apollo develops technology for a new surgical "approach" called NOTES, which stands for "NO way Jose. Take that Endoscope and Stick it somewhere else." BJR suggested that as Mrs. R runs HR and finance, that her new title should be "Orifice Manager."
BJR's Mom sent down to minor leagues. Tampa Bay losing streak begins.
The Tampa Ray Devil Rays announced in early May that BJR's Mom had officially been placed on the disabled list - the result of a torn rotator cuff. Apparently her velocity on her cut fastball had dipped below 93 mph and she was consuming only 50% of a pack of Big League Chew each game. After successful surgery in late May, Mom will not return to the majors this year but hopes to throw 2-3 games in AAA before the end of summer.
Newsletter disclaimer: All information provided to the BJR newsletter will immediately be sold (or even given away free) to third parties for telemarketing and SMS bulk spammers, and posted in juvenile hall, as well as on your sketchy neighbor's myspace page.
Happy 4th of July,