BJR Newsletter
1 Sept 2009
We're looking for a few good organs

When in the course of BJR Events it becomes necessary for BJR to revisit the personal bands which have connected BJR with others, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and superior station to which NBC's Law and Order and Nature's Own entitle him, an indecent respect of the opinions of BJR requires that he declare it time to publish another newsletter.

BJR holds these truths to be self-evident: that BJR is really clever, that the masses love the BJR newsletter, and that BJR is endowed - ahem - with wit and varying pentameter, and needs no consent to fill inboxes with his brilliance. (Reminder dear reader, there is no concept of "unsubscribe" here).

Journey to the Chewy Center of the 49th State

BJR and LMR's summer expedition to BJR's wilderness - yet wildebeastless - homeland of Alaska was full of adventure.   Starting with a tour of never-seen-before property in Eastern Alaska, BJR discovered that he is the owner of 20 acres of prime Alaskan swampland, which he will keep as global warming insurance, perfect for the Rollins retirement homestead onceTexas reaches a winter median temperature of 150 degrees (projected to be one week from today).  After a beautiful day in Fairbanks, the R's camping expedition in Denali ended early thanks to 125 mm of new snow on June 23rd.  The R's exited the park containing the tallest base-to-peak mountain in the world (yes, my Sherpa friends, read it and weep) no sightings of armor-clad polar bears riding moose.  During four days in BJR's hometown of Eagle River, BJR's 20th reunion reunited him with the reality that he didn't relate all that well to people in high school.  Perhaps the highlight was when the bride in the ballroom next door joined our reunion because it was more exciting than her wedding. She may not be committed to you, but she is committed to a good time and keeping a pack of smokes in the cleavage of her wedding dress.  Analysis: Keeper!  The R's were delighted to stay in a friend's home on the street where BJR grew up.  LMR now understands all the things that contribute to BJR's continuing delinquency in his fourth decade of childhood.

Heading South to Homer, BJR's brother/Captain SER helped LMR catch her first several halibut while BJR seemed to only attract a 5-foot, and then an 8 foot long skate. The two week tour of gorgeous mountain scenery finished with three days of the R's in a double sea kayak in Ailiak bay, filled with glaciers, seals, and peace and quiet.  All of these miracles were capped with celebrating the fourth of July with SER in Seward, Alaska, and watching the 82nd running of the Mount Marathon race, where contestants see whose bones are the least breakable after falling down the side of a cliff.

Net Play North of SouthFork Ranch

LMR's USTA tennis team again made it to Texas sectionals in Dallas, where LMR's fun and spunky team battled all manner of aerobicized cougar, fitness junkie, and powered-by-wilson-jailbait.  Despite a gritty performance by Serve Aces And Limes, no national bid was to happen this year,  The R's had a chance to hang out with both sets of Dallas cousins' All-American families, which include six of the coolest kids on the planet.   LMR started off the Fall tennis season with an instant classic, a narrow, dramatic victory against her toughest opponent yet, where she just edged BJR 6-0, 6-0 on the local high school courts, and then made BJR run laps for each of his double faults, which she claims is part of the standard rules of the U.S. Open.

Austin Triathlon

Next weekend, BJR takes his third shot at the Olympic distance Austin Triathlon.  Given the brutal conditions of the heat in Texas, BJR has changed his goals from a PR to not puking or begging to be shot.  And not skipping a lap on the bike ride.  BJR's secret to every triathlon is simple and easy: give up 75% of your free time, stop staying up past 11 PM, eat a small family of chickens at each meal, start starting at your calf muscles in the mirror every 20-30 minutes and saying "hmph", drown in Gatorade, Gu, Muscle Milk, and all sorts of other products based on elements not in the periodic table, constantly be humming the Bon Jovi lyric "Half-Way Theeeeeere", and learn to enjoy wearing padding shorts under dress pants.


BJR's role as CEO of BJR Research has taken him to the Northeast on almost a weekly basis throughout the summer, which has taught him the breakfast rotation schedule at the Hampton Inn in Schenectady, NY, but has also let him visit the tranquility and serenity of Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and such exotic locations as the A&Co Salon in Schenectady, New York

Legal Notice: In the last BJR Newsletter, mention was made of BJR's attorney, specifically theretofore referred to as "his legal council."  His attorney filed grievances about such a generic reference given his exemplary services to BJR Research, and BJR's 11th grade English teacher went back and had his grade changed to a C given that he didn't know the difference between council and counsel.  The following notice was required by the 38th Appellate Court in Travis County, his or her honorable justice presiding:

Let the BJR Newsletter record show that one Howard J. Nirken acts as primary, secondary, fiduciary, and consigliari counsel to BJR Research and their CEO, BJR.  Let it be known that BJR does not know Howard's middle initial so he let him borrow his.  Any a priori or post-factotum representation will be stricken from the newsletter. No postage required if mailed without a stamp. So let it be written. So let it be done. Phlebotamist unum.  This document precedes and will receive the proceeds from any preceding document and shall be considered the master of all such other related documents such that other documents must do the bidding of this document, even to the point that should such other documents contain eyebrows, those eyebrows being either majority or wholly owned by the other documents, that the master document could demand and remand the eyebrows of said other documents, or face fines, penalties, general name calling and imply a severe breach of not only this document but of whales in the Northern Pacific Ocean.  All rulings by other courts are considered inferior rulings, as even if such courts have "Superior" or "Supreme" in their title it will be understood that this is overcompensation for a court insecurity complex and that such naming is a trick that should be reserved for pizzas with lots of toppings, lakes that touch both the US and Canada, a reference to single member of a 70s female disco group, or the opposite of posterior.

Federal Momma Relocation Program

BJR's Mom arrived safely in Virginia, where she is now living just 30 minutes South of BJR's Sister & family.   The R's will get to see the entire lot for Thanksgiving,  Despite several supermarket tabloids publishing shadowy photos and claiming that the Mother-of-All-BJR's was fleeing Florida for tax evasion, racketeering, and felony reckless tomfoolery, no evidence or living witnesses have come forth.  BJR's Mom will resume her business of importing Olive Oil as soon as she collects on a handful of favors that you should not refuse.

The Not-So-Lone BJR Rides Again!

BJR is incredibly excited to announce that he has been selected to be a rider in the Lone Star Circle of Life (LSCOL) a second time.  The LSCOL Bike Tour is an eight city tour of Texas where 12 cyclists cover over 650 miles, promoting the need for organ, marrow, blood, and tissue donation.  Having rejected BJR's idea of collecting organs on the tour without consent, the LSCOL will again be registering people to be organ and tissue donors, typing people to be marrow donors, and promoting the everpresent need for blood donation.  Of course BJR wouldn’t be here today without the incredible generosity of his cousin, Diane, who gave BJR a kidney on December 20, 2004.   This ride is just one small way that BJR tries to say thank you, to make sure that others who aren’t as lucky to have a genetically matching guardian angel in their own family, can get a second chance at life.  Take it from BJR who has 150% more kidneys that the average human.

BJR is already in training and looking forward to joining "5X" (yes, some of us have cool code names) and his other teammates.   To join “Team Bryan” (yes, the B word) and/or be a sponsor, just click here.  For you Texans, there’s an opportunity to see BJR in cycling shorts and receive a huge sweaty BJR hug in your local city.   As always, the highest donor (important clarification: highest = largest donation, not blood-THC concentration) will receive a special prize.   Last year's prize of "your name in permanent marker on BJR's behind each day of the ride" has been trumped (!) by 2 pounds of Alaskan halibut AND your name in permanent marker on BJR's behind each day of the ride.


Disclaimer: the financial stability of BJR Research, and BJR, are in no way linked to ShamWow, Shamu, or any other Sham related products.  All ownership in ShamTastic, ShamaDahliLamaDingDong, Shamon!, ShamAndCheese, and other infomerical products have been fully disclosed in other filings.