When in the course of BJR Events it becomes necessary for BJR
revisit the personal bands which have connected BJR with others, and to
assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and superior station
to which NBC's Law and Order and Nature's Own entitle him, an indecent
respect of the opinions of BJR requires that he declare it time to
publish another newsletter.
BJR holds these truths to be self-evident: that BJR is really
clever, that the masses love the BJR newsletter, and that BJR is
endowed - ahem - with wit and varying pentameter, and needs no consent
to fill inboxes with his brilliance. (Reminder dear reader, there is no
concept of "unsubscribe" here).
LMR's summer expedition to BJR's wilderness - yet wildebeastless -
homeland of Alaska was full of adventure. Starting
never-seen-before property in Eastern Alaska, BJR discovered that he is
the owner of 20 acres of prime Alaskan swampland,
which he will keep as global warming insurance, perfect for the Rollins
retirement homestead onceTexas reaches a winter median temperature of
150 degrees (projected to be one week from today). After a
day in Fairbanks, the R's camping expedition in Denali ended early
thanks to 125 mm of new snow on June 23rd. The R's exited the
containing the tallest base-to-peak mountain in the world (yes, my
Sherpa friends, read it and weep) no sightings of
bears riding moose. During four days in BJR's hometown of
River, BJR's 20th reunion
reunited him with the reality that he didn't relate all that well to
people in high school. Perhaps the highlight was when the
ballroom next door joined our reunion because it was more exciting than
her wedding. She may not be committed to you, but she is committed to a
good time and keeping a pack of smokes in the cleavage of her wedding
dress. Analysis: Keeper! The R's were delighted to
home on the street where BJR grew up. LMR now understands all
things that contribute to BJR's continuing delinquency in his fourth
decade of childhood.
Heading South to Homer, BJR's brother/Captain SER helped LMR
catch her first several halibut while BJR seemed to only attract a
5-foot, and then an 8 foot long skate.
The two week tour of gorgeous mountain scenery finished with three days
of the R's in a double sea kayak in Ailiak bay, filled with glaciers,
seals, and peace and quiet. All of these miracles were capped
celebrating the fourth of July with SER in Seward, Alaska, and watching
the 82nd running of the Mount Marathon race, where
contestants see whose
bones are the least breakable after falling down the side of a cliff.
Net Play North of SouthFork Ranch
tennis team again made it to Texas sectionals in Dallas, where LMR's
fun and spunky team battled all manner of aerobicized cougar, fitness
junkie, and powered-by-wilson-jailbait. Despite a gritty
by Serve Aces And Limes, no national bid was to happen this
R's had a chance to hang out with both sets of Dallas cousins'
All-American families, which include six of the coolest kids on the
planet. LMR started off the Fall tennis season with
classic, a narrow, dramatic victory against her toughest opponent yet,
where she just edged BJR 6-0, 6-0 on the local high school courts, and
then made BJR run laps for each of his double faults, which she claims
is part of the standard rules of the U.S. Open.
Next weekend, BJR takes his third shot at the Olympic distance
Triathlon. Given the brutal
conditions of the heat in Texas,
BJR has changed his goals from a PR to not puking or begging to be
shot. And not skipping a lap on the bike ride.
triathlon is simple and easy: give up 75% of your free time, stop
staying up past 11 PM, eat a small family of chickens at each meal,
start starting at your calf muscles in the mirror every 20-30 minutes
and saying "hmph", drown in Gatorade, Gu, Muscle Milk, and all sorts of
other products based on elements not in the periodic table, constantly
be humming the Bon Jovi lyric "Half-Way Theeeeeere", and learn to enjoy
wearing padding shorts under dress pants.
BJR's role as CEO of BJR Research has
taken him to the Northeast on almost a weekly basis throughout the
summer, which has taught him the breakfast rotation schedule at the Hampton
in Schenectady, NY, but has also let him visit the tranquility and
serenity of Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and such exotic locations as the
A&Co Salon in
Schenectady, New York.
Legal Notice: In the last BJR Newsletter, mention was made of BJR's attorney, specifically theretofore referred to as "his legal council." His attorney filed grievances about such a generic reference given his exemplary services to BJR Research, and BJR's 11th grade English teacher went back and had his grade changed to a C given that he didn't know the difference between council and counsel. The following notice was required by the 38th Appellate Court in Travis County, his or her honorable justice presiding:
Let the BJR Newsletter record show that one Howard J.
as primary, secondary, fiduciary, and consigliari counsel to BJR
Research and their CEO, BJR. Let it be known that BJR does
Howard's middle initial so he let him borrow his. Any a
post-factotum representation will be stricken from the newsletter. No
postage required if mailed without a stamp. So let
written. So let it be done. Phlebotamist
unum. This document precedes and will receive the proceeds
preceding document and shall be considered the master of all such other
related documents such that other documents must do the bidding of this
document, even to the point that should such other documents contain
eyebrows, those eyebrows being either majority or wholly owned by the
other documents, that the master
document could demand and remand the eyebrows of said other documents,
or face fines, penalties, general name calling and imply a severe
breach of not only this document but of whales in the Northern Pacific
Ocean. All rulings by other courts are
rulings, as even if such courts have "Superior" or "Supreme" in their title
it will be understood that this is overcompensation for a court
insecurity complex and that such naming is a trick that should be
reserved for pizzas with lots of toppings, lakes that touch both the
US and Canada, a reference to single member of a 70s female disco
group, or the opposite of posterior.
Federal Momma Relocation Program
BJR's Mom arrived
safely in Virginia, where she is now living just 30 minutes South of
BJR's Sister & family. The R's will get to
entire lot for
Thanksgiving, Despite several supermarket tabloids publishing
photos and claiming that the Mother-of-All-BJR's was fleeing Florida
for tax evasion, racketeering, and felony reckless tomfoolery, no
evidence or living witnesses have come forth. BJR's Mom will
her business of importing Olive Oil as soon as she collects on a
handful of favors that you should not refuse.
The Not-So-Lone BJR Rides Again!
BJR is incredibly excited to announce that he has been selected to be a rider in the Lone Star Circle of Life (LSCOL) a second time. The LSCOL Bike Tour is an eight city tour of Texas where 12 cyclists cover over 650 miles, promoting the need for organ, marrow, blood, and tissue donation. Having rejected BJR's idea of collecting organs on the tour without consent, the LSCOL will again be registering people to be organ and tissue donors, typing people to be marrow donors, and promoting the everpresent need for blood donation. Of course BJR wouldn’t be here today without the incredible generosity of his cousin, Diane, who gave BJR a kidney on December 20, 2004. This ride is just one small way that BJR tries to say thank you, to make sure that others who aren’t as lucky to have a genetically matching guardian angel in their own family, can get a second chance at life. Take it from BJR who has 150% more kidneys that the average human.
BJR is already in training and looking forward to joining "5X"
some of us have cool code names) and his other
“Team Bryan” (yes, the B word) and/or be a sponsor,
here. For you Texans,
there’s an opportunity to see BJR in cycling shorts
and receive a huge sweaty
BJR hug in your local city. As always, the highest
clarification: highest = largest donation, not blood-THC concentration)
will receive a special prize. Last year's prize of
permanent marker on BJR's behind each day of the ride" has been trumped
(!) by 2 pounds of Alaskan halibut AND your name in permanent marker on
BJR's behind each day of the ride.
Disclaimer: the financial
of BJR Research, and BJR, are in no way linked to ShamWow, Shamu, or
any other Sham related products. All ownership in ShamTastic,
ShamaDahliLamaDingDong, Shamon!, ShamAndCheese, and other infomerical
products have been fully
disclosed in other filings.